Just keep Paleo-ing...

So, I have been slack with posts. This is true - life has taken over and time on here just hasn't mattered to me.
The last month has been a roller coaster and a half and now, while the dust begins to settle, I feel that I can get back to this and put some more time in.
Now, I have taken a new direction with my life - my goals. Yes, the stage is still there, and I will get back up on there as well, but it won't be for a few more months, so in the meantime, I'm focusing on bringing my focus back to ME.

That is why I haven't changed the name - this whole journey is still part of my journey to the stage - to present the best possible package that I can on the day, and everything I do, on everyday that I eat and train (which, let's face it - is basically everyday of every week) is all working for or against my dream to hit the stage one more time (at least!)

Now, after I came off the comp last time - I lost control..total and complete control of myself, my diet, my life. Sure, work and my relationship with my man has been great, but anything relating to me and my body, well that went a little cuckoo!!
I made the decision to do another comp - I bombed out, believing that I wasn't in a great space health wise to do it. Really, I just wasn't ready for it again. My body needed a break, and that's what I've given it.

Progressively, over the last few months, my training didn't quite go in the direction I wanted it to - i started getting slower in the WODs, less endurence, stamina and speed, but yet my strength was sky rocketing. Of course it was! That was my strength - strength has ALWAYS been my strength. Its something that I could control, and continue to build from - so I did just that.

However, 4 weeks ago I hit a snag - I had an injury whilst training which partially tore the lateral ligaments in my ankle - and thanks to this little set back, I have pretty much done almost nothing for the last 4 weeks, except a little swimming and upper body strength work.

When the injury hit, and got pissed off with myself - and turned to food. Junk food galore. But then after a while I was noticing that I was feeling less and less interested in the junk - it wasn't making me feel better - it was making me feel worse!! My stomach was aching, my heart beat raced a mile a minute as soon as that sugar hit my blood stream, and I would wake up the next day feeling like death. Not the way I want to live, or they way I want to feel. So I decided to go and do The Whole 30.

The Whole 30 challenge
I had always read about this program, being a subscriber for the last 2 years, I kept on hearing about these people putting a reset button on themselves and completely cleansing their bodies of all crap, impurities, additives, flavourings and sweeteners - including no dairy, grains (I was already off this, except for my junk nights) legumes, sugar of ALL kinds (including honey, agave, sweeteners and artificial flavourings) - basically nothing processed (including protein bars/shakes...my vice).
What you can eat? Meat, meat and more meat to your heart's content, fat GLORIOUS FAT!! As well as veges, fruits, nuts, seeds, coffee and water...just as nature intended for us!!

So the verdict so far - AMAZING!!
I have been doing this for the last 12 days (and counting) and already I feel like I'm a changed woman.
My mind set has totally changed. Sure, there's been moments where I've suddenly had an overwhelming desire to smash a packet of gummy lollies, but then I take a moment, think about what I will feel like after its all said and done, and know that I won't enjoy it, I will feel revolting afterwards, and that short burst of sugar rush won't make up for the hours of feeling like i want to die and rip my insides out!!

Plus, I have suddenly the discovered the world of Paleo cooking!! I never really hit that zone before, as when I went Paleo in the first instance (a couple of years ago) I was living in a unit with a kitchen that you could barely cut a steak up on, let alone cook a whole meal. So I always went for the easy option.
But now, I'm excited about using coconut flour to make paleo treats, to 'crumb' my chicken rather than using yucky glutenous ingredients that will just make me blow up like a balloon!! To put coconut milk over berries (my new found treat for myself)



and of course there's bacon...where were you all my life? I thought bacon was only reserved for the special occasion, on weekends at brunch. Oh no, no, no...it has become a staple in my diet now - don't know what I ever did without it!!






The most amazing thing to me, that has REALLY opened my eyes, is the fact that I've barely been training, and yet I'm noting changes. Not only physically, but mentally and emotionally. My body feels cleansed - I'm not TRYING to lose weight, I'm putting a big fat reset button (filled with bacon!!) on me and I'm feeling amazing, and this is without training. I've always known that when it comes to losing weight or getting you body fat down, the main factor was always diet - but I tried to kid myself. I thought, because I was always training so hard, that extra bit of chocolate, or those lollies or ice cream didn't really matter. But it did, and my body was crying out for me to stop it. Now i know, now I can feel the difference, and I'm not counting calories, i'm not measuring incessantly - I'm eating when I'm hungry, and not eating when I'm not hungry - and i feel great!!

I'll continue to post my progress and what I'm eating from next week on, to give you all an idea as to the types of food that I eat. I'll just say that my diet is heavily ketogenic, and i eat a BUTT load of fat from various different sources. Looking forward to seeing what the next 2 week bring - this has definitely becoem a lifestyle for me. More so than ever before. I don't feel like I HAVE to do this, I WANT to do it. It's a big difference, and I think it will change my life, and the way i live and look after my body forever.

Feel the Fear...

Do it anyway - you never know what might happen!!

So my stage journey has come to an end...for now anyways!!

I had decided to to do another show in September, but there were a few hiccups along the way which just seemed to scream out at me that now was just not the right time. Holidays smack bang in the middle of my prep, and being told that I was on the verge of adrenal fatigue were among the reasons, so I've put the show on the back burner, for the time being.

So since my prep has kinda stalled, I've been focusing more on my CrossFit training and really honing in on my skills and getting better and stronger at my weaknesses.
And as always, constantly learning more about myself and the kind of athlete I am.
It's taken a LONG time to admit to or even refer to myself as an athlete - I never really felt like I was one, I didn't feel that I looked like one, and because I had such high expectations of what I wanted to be and how I trained, I didn't feel that my training was anywhere near at the same level as what I considered an athlete to be.

Over the last couple of months, my ego when it comes to training has taken a GIANT beating...I've stood by and watched as those who I coached on a daily basis were progressing and becoming incredible athletes - from being unable to do pullups even with a band, to suddenly smashing out 10 unassissted and unbroken!!
I've watched as the strength that I once felt that I had which was my main drawcard and attachment to BEING an athlete (the fact that i could lift heavier shit than other people) was suddenly paling in comparison to the numbers that the women in my gym were hitting on overhead lifts, olympic lifts and lower body strength.
What had happened to me??
I was fading, both physically and emotionally - my belief in myself had started to disappear - but why??
I had just come off stage, looking the best I had in all my life, having the most incredible time and finally reaching a goal that I set myself years ago - what could I POSSIBLY be ashamed of??
I suddenly realised, in a bit of an epiphany only a few days ago, that it was all the doubt and negative self talk that I often find myself replaying over in my head which had suddenly started to come true.
I suddenly felt weaker, lethargic, started to put some of the weight back on that I had lost, motivation dwindled, and my WODs were just becoming a joke. I felt like a fraud. Basically, the exact OPPOSITE of an athlete. And all that hard work that I had put it for the 3 months prior felt like it had all just suddenly disappeared.
I had self-talked myself into being scared all over again. To regressing right back to where I was 3 years ago. To flipping right back into the cycle of self pity and loathing and proving those little voices right, once again.

I was scared. Scared of succeeding, scared of failing, scared of not living up to my expectations, my boyfriend's expectations, my family's, my gym's, my coach's...EVERYONES!!

It was in fact after having a fairly heated argument with my boyfriend Kurt, that I came to that realisation - i hadn't gotten out of my comfort zone, or if I had, I had slipped right back into that cosy little position I was in before, and no body and nothing was going to get me out of there!!

You see, boys (men), like children, feel no fear. At least not the ones in my world. I'm certain thats why they're there - to teach me the lesson to get the hell out of my own way!
Boys will jump in the fire to see if its hot, they'll swing around on the pullup bars practicing their pullups until they get one. Same goes for muscle ups, ring dips etc - the list is endless.

This is especially the case for my man Kurt. He has no fear. He loves to push his body to its absolute limits, lie on the ground in a puddle of his own sweat, then get back up and with a big grin on his face look at me and say "that was awesome - what's next?". Now, I'm all for pushing myself to my limits - that's what CrossFit is all about. But I stop there - i don't keep going, one brutal punishing WOD is enough for me in a day, and I'm done. So when I say to him "yeah, i think that's enough" and the confused look across his face tells me that what I've just said doesn't compute - I realise I'm not in that same "fearless zone" as him.
To have him then ask me "what are you so scared of?" well, that was like a giant slap in the face with a wet fish.
Scared? I'm not scared!!
Bullshit. I'm terrified, and my head and the negative beliefs and self talk that i have been replaying over and over again for the majority of my life has kept me right there.

I suddenly had a flash back of everything I've been scared of - particularly in regards to CrossFit.
Pullups - a MASSIVE one for me...but what the hell is there to be scared of?? Falling off the bar? I have legs, which have feet attached to them - I will land. I'm too freaking heavy to get over the bar?? I can get stronger.
Ring dips - another MASSIVE one...but why?? Because of my weight - again!! Get stronger...
Running - never been good at it, too heavy, too slow, can't move my legs fast enough...get fitter

Rope climbs - HA!! Add that one to the list!!

And the funniest thing is - because of all this fear I NEVER PRACTICED THEM!! Never. Not once. I tried a couple of attempts, realised i couldn't do it, didn't want to make a fool of myself - so i didn't do it. And I stayed as far away from them as I could. And THEN used the fact that I couldn't do them as an excuse everytime I went to do a WOD as to why I was so slow and my times/strength/skills were all rubbish.
I stayed totally wrapped up in my comfort blanket, attached to my bullshit comfort excuses as to why I wasn't progressing and blamed everything else but myself and my fear of actually progressing and making my life better and shaping myself into the athlete i desperately wanted to be. And still do.

I even believed some crap about my having 'adrenal fatigue'. Hey, it fit kinda well - I was tired, wasn't progressing, and really this guys was telling me everything I wanted to hear. Sad, but true.

Since having this 'epiphany' about whatever the hell was going on with me, my self doubt, self-talk and belief in myself, my energy levels have gone through the roof. My diet is spot on, I feel awesome, I feel happy, and I'm ACTUALLY practicing all my skills. And guess what else - I did my first benchmark WOD with pullups (Jackie) totally rx'd yesterday...no band, no assistance. It was long, it was excruciating and it took every ounce of my being not to run over and get one of those giant bright rubber bands - but I F$%KING did it!!

I have come to the realisation that a weakness is just a strength not yet realised. I'm not quite throwing myself in the fire yet, but I'm getting alot more daring and finally just doing what needs to be done, to make myself the person I wanna be, and to create the ATHLETE i want to be. And it doesn't even feel like that much hard work either! :o)

So taht's it for now - but till i get abck on here again - always remember to FEEL THE FEAR AND DO IT ANYWAY!

Train hard, be the person that you want to be...

Gem xx

Big hair and false nails and SOOOOO much tan

So, now that I have safely come out of my sugar induced haze of eating whatever I wanted for a week, and then occasionally here ad there having a nibble or two of other yumminess thatmy heart desired - I suppose I better get my butt into gear and tell you how the BIG COMP went....

In a word - F****** AWESOME!!

Hang on..that's 2 words. But you get the idea. I had the time of my life (damn, now I'm going to have THAT song stuck in my head!) even though i didn't win (or even place).

Now, don't get me wrong - it was never a major priority to win the show - sure it, would have been nice, but I didn't go in it to win it. That may not sit too well with some people, but that's too bad. I did this for the experience, to pop my cherry and say that I have competed in a Figure show. That's it. If there were trophies attached to that - then awesome, but I'm not ashamed/disappointed/upset with the way that everything went. I came in looking the best I ever have, and I had the best time - smiling from ear to ear and presenting the best package that I could. So I'm totally proud of that, I learnt a butt load, and will definitely be bringing it in the next show!

Plus, my posing ROCKED!! I was watching (out the corner of my eye) some of the other girls and they had NO stage presence, looked miserable and would have given anything to get off stage. NOT ME!! I was totally comfortable, loving it and had fun!! And in the pics that Kurt took you could see that barely any of them knew how to pose or had a smile on their face. I had so many of my friends and family there, and a lot of them said I was the only one who smiled, and that i "shone" which was a pretty amazing compliment for me - so I'm SO stoked with that!
The only hard bit of the whole thing was my damn abs and thighs pose in the first division I went in (Tall Figure) - I had fun trying to balance, and for some reason was shaking like a leaf (damn adrenalin!!) and took a while to strike it without tipping over - but got there eventually :o) Oh and then the individual posing round - had trouble after sitting there all day remembering exactly how it went - but I got through it and before I knew it, my 60 sec routine was over!

So anyways, the day went like this:

6:00am - wake up, wasn't allowed to shower as it would wash all the tan (3 coats) that I had put on over the last 2 days) also had to wake up Kurt to help get me ready in time
6:15am - more tan applied (yes, that's correct, that makes 4 coats) by my gorgeous muskles, Kurt...still waking up
6:30am - sitting in front of heater to dry and keep warm (wasn't allowed to stand barely at all due to fluid retention in legs - ugh!!)
6:45am - hair dresser/make up artist arrives - commencement of 'The Do' takes place
7:00am - still doing 'The Do' - lotsa spray, pins and curling involved (not in that order)
7:45am - 'The Do' completed...I've suddenly grown an extra 6 inches!! Like, I wasn't tall enough already!!Make up to begin...
8:15am - Best friend Penny arrives at the house - gushes over how different I look!! And how AWESOME my hair looks!! :o)
8:30am - Make up completed, feeling insanely girly
8:35am - suit goes on - this shit just got real...
8:35am - show Kurt and Penny the finished product - Penny gushes and says "oh my god Gem, you're a Bodybuilder!!" - photo below taken at this point by Kurt

8:45am - get the last of the bits and pieces ready - Penny then drives us to Shellharbour Workers Club (the venue)
9:10am - stand in line waiting to register
9:20am - not happy with me standing, Kurt gets a chair for me - how sweet is he!!
9:25am - still waiting in line - sussing out the competition
10:00am - still waiting...
10:15am - registration completed, money paid, music handed in - no backing out now!
10:20am - more waiting in line to get INTO the hall where the comp is
10:30am - time comp is meant to begin...finally get into hall and discover my parents and cousin are already in there! also find out that my division is 2nd and 4th last from the bottom of the running sheet...which means a LONG day for me and anyone who wants to come watch me
11:15am - actual time comp begins
11:30am - eat
1:00pm - interval - still haven't gone on stage
2:15pm - pump up, more tan applied, heels go on, bikini stuck to butt, get ready for show
2:30pm - get up on stage for first division - Tall Figure

2:40pm - 2nd division i am in - Novice Figure - no time for pump up or tan
2:50pm - off stage to see friends/family and grinning from ear to ear..the 'serious' part is over now - now to have FUN! We all go to the bistro and they eat lunch, i eat fish and watch 2 of my mates (Jacko and Lewis) devour cheescake..bastards
3:30pm - back inside to the hall and sit through another 3 hours before the intermission...such a loooooong night!!
6:00pmish - intermission
6:30pm - back into the show...getting closer to my routine
7:00pmish - finally get up and do my indivdual posing routine...sooo much fun!!! Stuffed up the timing a bit - but overall went down fab!!
8:00pm - finally finished after being presented with competitors medallions...but even better - its time to EAT!!

As you can see - post comp was epic!! hehehe

I truly had o of the best days ever. I'm not sure exactly what it was - the fact that I had all my closest friends and family there to support me, the fact that I was finally up on stage after all these years, or the fact that I was in the best condition of my life, I was PROUD of what I was presenting and had fun while I was up there, or just the excitement of being able to be all girly for a day and get all pampered and dressed up...I can't quite pin point it...but all I know that it was awesome, and I'm TOTALLY hooked...aleady got the next one planned out!!

Oh, and before I sign off this post, I want to thank a few people, just in case they read this.
Firstly, I'd like to thank everyone who came to watch me:

• My parents for supporting me no matter what and puuting up with me bringing strange food to eat on Mother's Day - love you guys heaps!! xx
• My cousin Sonya for making the trek from Sydney and thinking that the show was the day before, and then hung around the extra day just to come watch it on Sunday!! 
• Jacko and , Georgie for both supporting and encouraging me and WODing out with me and Kurt
• Lewis and the fact the he came from Canberra to watch - what a legend!!
• Penny - and also special mention to Penny for being my chauffeur to the show - love you chicka - you're the best!! xx
• Robbie - for coming to the show and staying as long as she could -didn't end up getting to see the whole thing though
• Kisane and her daughter for ebing sweet enough to come check out what it was all about - and for her kind words when I got of stage
• Deanne and her kids - and also to Dee for being an awesome boss at CrossFit Wollongong and supporting me all through the prep - thankyou so much!!
• Tether - my long lost buddy from school...times have changed, but you've defo stayed the same...was so amazing to have him there - he especially made the trip down to the Gong for it to support me, and then stayed for the meal and also for our indulgence at Cold Rock...I'm so stoked he were there and were able to share in the experience of the day - it meant so much to me, so thank you xxx
• Dave for coming along to the celebratory dinner and sharing the experience - thanks heaps buddy!!
• Sonia for coming along to the whole thing, even with a busted up wrist and NOW she's going to do her OWN comp!!! Wooo hooo!!!
• Michael (my big bro) and his wife Naomi - for coming at JUST the right time when I was up on stage and get the whole thing video taped for me...and also for supporting me and making the trip from Sydney on a Sunday arvo...so appreciate al the support and encouragement from you two - love you both heaps!! xx
• Heather - my hair an make up chick - shee did the 'do' and the make up, and was even willing to get to our place at 7:00 on  Sunday morning - what a talent!!! Thank you so much!!
• Katie - my amazingly awesome posing coach who sadly wasn't able to make it on the day, bu was with me in spirit, and taught me the best stage presence and posing ever...I felt totally in control and breezed through the posing - and I'm sure its because of all her help
• Asher - for the incredible posing routine she designed for me - so grateful for your help - thankyou!!
• Josh and Chastity - Josh for being the comp/diet prep genius that he is!! Without his help and support and words of wisdom, I don't know if I would have been able to get up there and have as much fun as I did...he's changed my life, and with Chastity's help the two of them worked to get me in the best condition of my life...so stoked I got to speak to him on the day... i will be forever grateful, and hope to one day meet them for real
• Finally - to my muskles, Kurt ...the love of my life who has been my rock and support through everything...putting up with my insanity, occasional mood swing, and always pushing me to better than I allow myself to believe I am...never once lost faith or belief in me, and was the most amazing and generous person I could have ever hoped to have in my life...I can't express how grateful in am to have him in my life, and he means the absolute world to me...thanks for everything baby...you're amazing, I love you xxx

So there ya have it...12 weeks of sweat, pain, and tears, all for one day...and I wouldn't have it any aother way...onto the next one I say!!!!!!! :)

T minus 10...

DAYS (that is)!!!!!!!!!!

That's right kids, the day is FAST approaching for me to get my tanned butt up on that stage and strut my stuff!!! Just 10 days to go, and something tells me that the next 10 days are going to be harder than the whole damn prep!! My body is now starting to let me know that it has had enough, which I can tell by the lack of energy, mental aletrness and general "heavy" kind of feeling that I've got going on...even typing this is proving to be a challenge!!

But the strangest thing is that mentally - I'm as solid as a rock.

Call it intuition, call it a gut feeling, call it being absolutely positively certain - i don't give a shit!!! But the fact is that I KNOW with every single part of me, that I'm going to do this competition. No matter how hard it gets, how much it hurts or how exhausted I am, everyday is a step closer to finishing something that I've wanted to do for years. And I'm finally in a place mentally where I can handle it.

But when did this sudden change occur??

You gotta have FAITH...
This whole prep I've had these little voices in my head screaming at me to quit - to give up, to accept defeat and go get a big bag of lollies and enjoy the sweet relief of not having to do anything but eat and watch TV. Moments of weakness where I look at the progress pics I've just taken to send to my coach, and freak out convincing myself that there's no way that I could POSSIBLY be ready in time - I've still got so much more to lose!!
In fact, I had a moment just like that on the weekend, and of course my muskles bore the brunt of my freak out. Tears were flowing and self doubt was peaking - and with that came his frustration at me and not listening to him when his incessant attempts at convincing me that I CAN do this, that I WILL do this, and that I look AMAZING.
None of that ever soaked in - it washed over me and didn't even touch the surface. All I could think about was sticking my fat ass in front of the judges, and after scanning the photos of all the figure competitors I could find, I convinced myself that they were so much leaner than me, and that I am not even close to being in that condition.

So why, after all those moments of panic, negativity, self doubt and loathing have I suddenly done a MASSIVE 180 and have every certainty in the world that I will get up on stage and ROCK this!!??!!

Well, that I think has a lot to do with something that my man said to me, after asking him how he knows that I'm going to be ready.
His reply was one word. "Faith".
Now, neither of us are religious - so no, its not that kind of faith.
It was more a case of him having so much faith in me and my ability, which SERIOUSLY surpassed my own belief, that he just knew that I would get there, no matter what.

This humbled me and stopped me dead in my tracks.

I had a sudden realisation that I was trying to find every excuse under the sun why I shouldn't do this - its too hard, I'm not going to be ready, my ass is too big, I can't see my abs, I don't have enough cuts in my arms...etc etc etc..blah blah blah...
I wanted to justify to him and myself that it was OK to quit...I've done it before, I've quit many times before - about 5 to be exact!! What's another one going to hurt?? I would rather quit than embarrass myself - in my mind I could easily justify the embarrassment of telling everyone that I'm not competing (again) over the embarrassment of baring my ass to everyone and being laughed at or worse, disgusting them at the sight of me!! (Yes, this is just how far the self loathing and disgust was getting to.)
He even pulled the whole reverse pyschology trick "Ok then, well don't do it"...which of course enraged me further, because all of a sudden he was telling me what I wanted to hear - but not hear at the same time!!

But when he said that he had faith - I realised that I had none. I never had. All the times before, I doubted myself and my abilities to finish this, or anything else in my life. I never thought I was a quitter, and always believed that I always see things through to the end. But really that wasn't true. And now I couldn't hide from it.
Even in my WODs, if I'm REALLY honest with myself, the fact is that I'm not confident, strong and have the eye of the tiger playing in the back of my head ready to rip this shit up!! I go into them freaking out and justifying to myself that its OK if I don't do that well - that I'm a shocking runner, that my strength isn't up to par, that I can't do body weight pullups because I'm too heavy to pull myself up over the bar, that I'm slower than most because of my height and weight (you know, the old power:height ratio theory?). But did I ever have faith that I COULD do it? That I WAS capable? Strong? Lean? Fast? Not really - and that realisation slapped me in the face like a wet fish.

I don't know what changed in me after that conversation, but the next morning I woke up more determined and confident than ever. And over the course of this week (it's only been 4 days) I've made massive progress in my prep and its like my body has relaxed and just let everything go. I FEEL lean, I FEEL conditioned, and I'm loving the feeling of pushing myself to my limits.
My work (in terms of training) this week has been increased (yes, more cardio - yay!!) and even though I feel like a zombie and am totally exhausted, I'm stronger than I have ever felt mentally and feel like I could take on anything that anyone threw at me.
There's actually a part of  'Every Second Counts' (CrossFit video for those of you not in know), that I can't stop thinking about, where James 'OPT' FitzGerald (incredible athlete and owner of Optimum Performance Training in Canada) talks about how in order to win The Games that you need to "get comfortable with being uncomfortable".
Well, the amazing thing is - I'm totally there. I'm finally in a place where I'm comfortable with the uncomforatble- where I WELCOME it even.
And its such an awesome place to be.

Back on my high horse...thanks to 'The Paleo Solution'

For those that know me, you will know that I'm fairly passionate about  my diet, and what I put into my body regarding food and nutrition. I'm gluten and lactose intolerant, so the only thing that really works for me is The Paleo Diet. That right kids - no dairy of any kind, no grains (including rice, pasta, oats, bread, corn chips, cake, bagels, muffins etc) and no sauces or seasonings containing wheat derivatives.
As soon as I eat anything that has been even slightly processed, or has the remnants of grains/wheat or dairy, my insides feel like they are trying to explode out my belly button, I feel uncomfortable, like I've put on 10kg in about half an hour, and like I just got a REALLY bad case of gastro for the next 24hrs - not pleasant - for me, or anyone else who's around me!!

But this was not always the case.
For years I ate just as anyone else does - I ate bread, I lived on sushi, oats, I even tried to go vegetarian because that was the "in" thing, and from the look of things - what appeared to be the most healthy option.
When I was at uni and REALLY deperate - I used to live on toast, with tomato sauce (the pasta sauce, not ketchup - I wasn't THAT povo!!) and melted cheese on top...hey, it was the uni student's pizza!! It would be nothing for me to go through bags of pasta and loaves of bread. And every now and then, a bit of chicken or tuna (when I could afford it). If i was starving at Uni and only had a bit of pocket change to play with - off I'd go to the chinese take away place and order a serving of rice, with either sweet chilli or peanut satay sauce. If only I'd known what this was doing to my insides.

Fast forward a few years, and I'm working in a full time job, going out for lunch to the local sandwich bar - getting a giant "fresh" bread roll with chicken salad. I always looked forward to it, and smashed it down - thinking I was being healthy, getting my complex carbs and  veges and meat...I thought I had it all figured out. But for some weird reason - it always made me feel worse after I had it than before - WTF??!?!

It was not until I decided that something was seriously wrong and I went to a Naturopath, who basically told me that I was gluten intolerant. All the bread, and complex carbs that I'd  been smashing down day after day, meal after meal - thinking I was doing the right thing...coupled with the effects of the few crazy and intense years of partying that I put my body through - effected my body in the worst possible way and caused major inflammatory problems throughout my entire digestive and intestinal tract, and if I didn't stop eating this shit, well I was on a very steep slope to some major problems...basically my body wasn't absorbing any of the nutrients from my food, and my liver, kidneys and small and large intestines weren't working properly either. So yeah, you could say this scared the shit out of me. Not only because at 24 years of age - that all sounds a bit much to take - but more so the fact that my own mother died of bowel cancer when I was 10 years old.

Now I'm not saying all this to get the sympathy vote - and you might ask what spurred this rant on?
Well, I've recently purchased a copy of 'The Paleo Solution' by Robb Wolf - aka the Paleo Nutritional King (at least in my eyes!!). I'm only 40 pages through the book, but the beginning of it talks about his past and what brought him to the conclusion of trying the Paleo Diet and his family's experience.
Put it simply - his story is not much different to mine (except for the fact that he's a genius biochemist and was a bit more hippy/vego than me, where I was a bit more grunge and party animal!) in that he had family members constantly being sick, deteriorating from various ailments and immune problems - and it got me thinking about my Mother.

Now, I don't want to go too much into detail here - but basically, my Mother was diagnosed with Bowel Cancer when I was 6 years old. When she was diagnosed, the cancer was that severe and that far gone that the Docs only gave her 6 months to live. But she was stubborn, and ended up living for a further 4 years. To be honest, its all very blurry and alot of it I have blocked out due to the emotional nature of it all, but as I read Robb's book, there were more things that I started to recall as it made me think that Mum's diet (and stress) was a big reason for her getting so sick.

Now, I don't know what her diet was like as a child, or really into her adulthood, but I do know that she ate bread, pasta, and was an amazing desert cook - I still remember the taste of her strawbery slices and her chocolate rum balls!!
She wasn't fat - quite the opposite - she was tall, lean and was (and still is) often described to me as regal.
When she was diagnosed - she turned to the "Natural" way of living - lots of juices, veges, fruits etc. She completely went off meat as well as a result of joining a religious order (i think they were Pentacostal) as many do when they hear that they are on death's door, and instead lived on these strange HORRIBLE tasting steak like things, that were basically known as 'gluten steaks'.
For YEARS she was (mis)diagnosed with Irritable Bowel Syndrome (IBS) - and in the end her whole body was riddled with cancer, resulting in her having her entire female organs removed and parts of her bowel and small intenstine cut away.
The doctors didn't really focus on her diet so much as give her a cocktail of drugs and medicatons to take to make her "as comfortable as possible".

Now, I know this is all getting a bit morbid - but there is a reason to all this...what if she knew what I know now as a result of reading Loren Cordain's book 'The Paleo Diet' and changing the way she looked at the food pyramid and what is considered to be healthy for us, and what really IS healthy?!?!? After what happened to my mother, I'm ultra careful with what I eat, how I treat my body and what I do on a day to day basis as I know that genetically, I have the same disposition as she does, and could possibly follow in her foot steps - and just that little too closely. I was already given a MAJOR wake up call after being told that I was basically walking the same line, as well as being diagnosed with PCOS, that I stopped treating my body like a play ground, and took a bit more care of it.

What if.....what if.....

Hindsight - its such a luxury that we have to be able to look back and say, "if only...."

But reading Robb's book made me angry - not at him nor at the book - but at the stupidity and narrow mindedness of society and the regulatory bodies out there who insist that in order to have a healthy, well rounded meal, you MUST have your complex carbs and your diet should be predominately 60% carbohydrates, 25% protein and 15% fats...but why?? Especially considering our bodies are not designed to eat that kind of shit?!?!

What if my mother had stopped eating those gluten steaks (god damn, i can't describe the smell or the taste but they were revolting!!) which was basically the perfect recipe for insane levels of inflammation throughout her entire digestive system, replaced that with some good wholesome meat, actually ate her veges rather than juicing them all, stopped eating oats, grains and rice and and instead increased her fat intake to include avocados, almonds, and various other nuts and seeds - would we have seen a change in her health?? Could she have gone into remission and lived on for a further 10, 20 or 30 years?? I'll never know, but these are the kinds of questions that were SCREAMING through my brain as read through Codain's and Wolf's books...what she thought was healthy, and what she was advised to do were in fact that main things that were killing her.
And that is probably the saddest thing of all. And is also a common occurence in today's society.
We keep on hearing about how our diets should include whole grains, complex carbs, pastas, wholemeal is better than white, sourdough is more nutritious than them all...and lets not forget that oats are the best thing for you if you're trying to lose weight, and give you energy and fibre so you can go to the bathroom regularly...

 
Newsflash...none of that is true, and you will not turn into a zombie if you don't eat carbs....I eat around 20g of carbs a day, and I'm functioning just fine and on average do at least 1 - 2 WODs a day. I eat a shit load of protein and fat though - and that's where I get my energy - clean, efficient and MASSIVELY fat burner energy!! And I haven't craved sugar/carbs or the like for over 7 weeks!!

I guess I just don't want to see any more people I love be affected the way I and my family have as a result of the poor advice and food choices that my Mum accepted as the way it should be.
If you feel sluggish, tired, heavy, bloated, generally sick, or fluey - then do yourself a favour and LISTEN to your body!! You ever heard the saying "you are what you eat"?? This doesn't just go for junk food - it goes for EVERYTHING!!
Try a month of no grains, legumes, dairy or sugar and just see how much BETTER you feel!! Oh, and go out and get yourself a copy of 'The Paleo Diet' and/or 'The Paleo Solution' - it will change your life.

Mind games

And I'm not referring to the ones that people play on you - but more so to the ones that you play on yourself...
How often do you get in your own way and convince yourself that you won't/can't/shouldn't/couldn't/wouldn't do something due to FEAR and UNCERTAINTY??!!??
And the fear could be anything from making a complete dick of yourself, to disappointing those that you love, to disappointing yourself!!
Yesterday and the day before, I was just like that.
Doubt, fear and uncertainty crept into my mind like the infectious monster that it is, and I was thinking that maybe I shouldn't bother doing this, because I wasn't sure if I would be ready in time.
All through this comp prep I've been seeing changes - BIG changes in my body and also my mind. For the first time ever (since the 1000 attempts that I've given before) I've been confident not only in my abilities, but proud of myself and really believing that this time I will get myself up on stage
Right up until this last weekend - where I seriously had a major freak out and suddently started to not only think but BELIEVE that there would be no way that I will be ready, and should just give up now...I mean, I don't want to embarrass myself!! I want to get up on that stage with all the closest friends and family of mine, and the people I love looking up at me with pride and saying to themselves "wow, she looks amazing!!" not, "yeah, she looks OK, but not nearly as good as that girl next to her"...
WTF??!!!??
Talk about self defeatest attitude!!!
I NEVER talk like that...to me, or to anyone else...and if I ever heard any of my clients say that - I'd slap them silly!! Not literally, but I'm sure the idea would at least cross my mind :)
So why now?? Why was this shitty little voice able to eat away and push through all the awesome positivity and self confidence that I've FINALLY built up for myself??

Answer: Because I (stupidly) let it.

This is a cycle that I've created and got myself stuck in. Everytime I've tried to compete previously - this is basically the format in which it goes:

• Work my but off
• See some great results
• Freak out because I'm not looking like the girls I see on Facebook (even though I still have 5 weeks left of prep!!) 
• And convince myself that because my body's never been that lean, that there's NO POSSIBLE WAY that I could get there...and you know what?? That's the BIGGEST load of shit ever!!

I'm not angry at myself, and I'm certainly not going to beat myself up about this - I'm SO HAPPY that I've done this again...because this time I"ve realised what I've done and I've shut that voice up!!
Granted, I had an emotional moment with my man last night and my have sent an insanely long ranting email to my coach about it...but they both helped me to realise that I am my own worst critic here, and that I can do this, and that not doing the show was never an option in their minds - and shouldn't be for me either.
I can now safely, confidently and with a big F*** YOU to that evil little voice say that there is nothing that's going to stop me.
And maybe I won't be as lean as some of the other girls, and maybe I won't get a trophy...but I will have worked my ass off and got up on that stage and will be proud with how far I have come. That I know for a fact. The rest doesn't phase me, and like I always say to my clients - your body is a work in progress...and you never know WHAT you're capable of until you try!!!

 This is me starting out - the very first pre contest prep pic...ugh...and i actually thought I was lean when this was taken - I didn't think I had that far to go!! HAHA!!

 And this is me this morning - Monday 11th April...still 5 weeks out from show

So as you can see - there is a fair bit of difference since I started...and I'm not for A SECOND going to be disappointed with my efforts!!

So far throughout this prep (which I'm having NO carbs at all except for a cup of beans taken after training 3 days a week), I've competed (and WON 1 st place Female Division) in Games Days, still currently competing in the CrossFit Games Open, completed the burpee mile, Triple Fran still can say that I'm loving every second of it.

I have thrown more challenges at myself these last 3 months than I have in the last 5 years, and I know that it is because of my CrossFit experience that I'm facing each one head on and loving every second of them.
That's why I'm using the CrossFit banner as my wallpaper on this blog - because those girls inspire me on a day to day basis to do more and be more than I ever thought possible, and i certainly intend on giving it a good crack!! :)

No turning back now...

 So, welcome to my new blog! I've been talking about doing one of these for ages, and now I feel that I have no real choice but to start one because I think that this will help me in the coming months to sty accountable and keep on track.

A little bit about me. I'm a 27 year old Sales person turned Personal Trainer/CrossFit Coach/CrossFit Addict and have decided to do a Bodybuilding Competition, using only CrossFit as my preparation.
The thing is - this isn't the first time I've attempted to get my (eventually) tanned butt up on that stage. This has been a dream of mine for YEARS!! We're literally talking about 6 or 7 years.
First it begun when I actually got into the whole fitness craze. I was a fat kid, which eventuated in me being a fat teen, coupled with the fact that I come from a giant Irish Catholic family who were always using the term 'big boned' and luuuuurved their food, as well of the scarce amount of exercise or movement that i did on a daily basis - i was your typical body-hating teenager.
Fast forward a couple of years of uni, parties and the like, and I met a girl who was good mates with a bodybuilder who was training her. So i asked him to do the same with me, just to see what all this was about.

Well - DID I SEE!!! I dropped a shit load of weight (oh yeah, I swear a bit...sorry if you're not a fan...) and ripped up so quick, it was scary. My already giant 5'10 frame was leaning down and I was ecstatic...I was doing all the regular isolated movements that is required of Bodybuilders to sculpt and define their bodies - leg press, squats, bicep curls, tricep push downs and the list goes on...I scared myself with how much weight I was pushing...a 20 year old leg pressing over 200kg?? that didn't seem right...and it wasn't...
I went from being pudgey and soft, to lean and strong...to looking remarkably like a man...I wasn't told to change my diet, just eat lots of protein...and I did what I was told!!
So being a mesomorph (meaning I can pile on muscle easy as pie) bodybuilding seemed to be the answer...I scared my family for a while - they kept on asking me if it was normal to have shoulders the size of a man's?? But I paid no attention - just kept on lifting...

One day, I went to watch a friend in his first bodybuilding competition (all natural of course) and I was in awe of the way the women looked. Sure, I should have been checking out the guys - but I was more interested in the women...and no, that's not cos I'm that way inclined...it was because, to me, they embodied the ideal figure of a woman; strong, athletic, toned, defined, no jiggles/wobbles and abs where if they sat down - I was SURE they wouldn't have any rolls!!

It was then and there that I got the bug for Figure Competitions, and dreamed that one day I'd get up on that stage.

Fast forward another few years, of more partying, working etc and I still hadn't satisfied the bug...I tried, various times to prep and get ready for a comp, but everytime there was some excuse, some injury (tore my right quad), some sickness or some other reason that stopped me. Call it excuses, call it self sabotage - who knows!!??!! All I know is that its time to get my ass into gear and do this for real!!

I am now a Personal Trainer, have been for nearly 3 years after leaving the corporate Sales world, and better yet - I'm a CrossFit Coach and self confessed CrossFit addict.

In CrossFit I have discovered my elixir of life - it challenges me, it scares me, it excites me, it pushes me, and it satisfies me more than any other fitness regime or methodology I have ever found.
I began to get bored of bodybuilding - and also found that there was nothing new or different about it. I needed a new challenge...something that pushed not only my body, but also my mind as well. The first session I ever did about 3 years ago, was like nothing I'd ever done before...it put me on my ass and I was in love from that point on.
No matter how strong, how fast or how much you want it - you can never be a master of CrossFit. You can always be faster, stronger, more agile, more mentally tough - there are no limits, and no glass ceiling - only the limits that you put on yourself.

I have put WAY too many limits on myself - and still to this day, I find myself convincing myself that I won't be able to do something or can't do something. This competition is going to change all that, once and for all.
I am a personal trainer and coach who has never felt like I embody what a real trainer is, at least not on the outside. Now would be a good time to do something about that!
So this competition will be on Sunday 15th May 2011, and I WILL be competing in the Tall Figure Division (I'm putting it out there so there's no chance I can back out). I will be using a mixture of CrossFit/Strength/Power training to get myself ready for the comp, and also following the Paleo/Zone (PZ) diet to prepare, as well as supplements like protein powder and BCAAs.
The reason for this? Because IT WORKS!!! CrossFit is probably the most effective training methodology because of the constantly varied movements, and the response to the various body systems. It also is FUN!! And challenging, and over quickly!! Tht way I don't have to spend hours doing bicep curls and squats in the gym - just a few WODs, and if there are any particular areas that need improvement, then I will focus on those.
As for the diet - I'm gluten and lactose intolerant - so no grains or dairy for me. Lots of eggs, veges, meat, nuts, and salsa...fruit is a no no for the moment as there are a lot of sugars in fruit, and that's extra carbs that my body doesn't need right now.

I make the following promises to myself, and now, because they are public for the world to see, I've got no choice but to stick to them...so here goes:

• I will train a strength component everyday, with 1-2 scheduled rest days per week
• Everyday I will do some form or cardio training (which can include running, spinning, mini WOD on the rower or other metcon using cardio activities)
• I will follow my diet consistently and elliminate cheat meals
• I will only check my weight once a week, on a Monday morning
• I make a promise to myself that I will not limit my belief in what I can achieve through this competition.
• I will not place a limit on what my body is capable of - physically and mentally. Even if I can't see it, I must believe it is possible.
• I am truly the luckiest girl in the world to have the love and support of the most amazing guy (I will refer to him as my muskles) who believes in me, even when I don't believe in myself, and pushes me (especially when I don't want to be pushed). I will listen to him, and believe his opinions and input, even if it sucks, or I don't see it myself.

So there ya go. Long winded I know, but lots to talk about. And here begins my journey...no backing out now!!