How often do you get in your own way and convince yourself that you won't/can't/shouldn't/couldn't/wouldn't do something due to FEAR and UNCERTAINTY??!!??
And the fear could be anything from making a complete dick of yourself, to disappointing those that you love, to disappointing yourself!!
Yesterday and the day before, I was just like that.
Doubt, fear and uncertainty crept into my mind like the infectious monster that it is, and I was thinking that maybe I shouldn't bother doing this, because I wasn't sure if I would be ready in time.
All through this comp prep I've been seeing changes - BIG changes in my body and also my mind. For the first time ever (since the 1000 attempts that I've given before) I've been confident not only in my abilities, but proud of myself and really believing that this time I will get myself up on stage
Right up until this last weekend - where I seriously had a major freak out and suddently started to not only think but BELIEVE that there would be no way that I will be ready, and should just give up now...I mean, I don't want to embarrass myself!! I want to get up on that stage with all the closest friends and family of mine, and the people I love looking up at me with pride and saying to themselves "wow, she looks amazing!!" not, "yeah, she looks OK, but not nearly as good as that girl next to her"...
WTF??!!!??
Talk about self defeatest attitude!!!
I NEVER talk like that...to me, or to anyone else...and if I ever heard any of my clients say that - I'd slap them silly!! Not literally, but I'm sure the idea would at least cross my mind :)
So why now?? Why was this shitty little voice able to eat away and push through all the awesome positivity and self confidence that I've FINALLY built up for myself??
Answer: Because I (stupidly) let it.
This is a cycle that I've created and got myself stuck in. Everytime I've tried to compete previously - this is basically the format in which it goes:
- Work my but off
- See some great results
- Freak out because I'm not looking like the girls I see on Facebook (even though I still have 5 weeks left of prep!!)
- And convince myself that because my body's never been that lean, that there's NO POSSIBLE WAY that I could get there...and you know what?? That's the BIGGEST load of shit ever!!
Granted, I had an emotional moment with my man last night and my have sent an insanely long ranting email to my coach about it...but they both helped me to realise that I am my own worst critic here, and that I can do this, and that not doing the show was never an option in their minds - and shouldn't be for me either.
I can now safely, confidently and with a big F*** YOU to that evil little voice say that there is nothing that's going to stop me.
And maybe I won't be as lean as some of the other girls, and maybe I won't get a trophy...but I will have worked my ass off and got up on that stage and will be proud with how far I have come. That I know for a fact. The rest doesn't phase me, and like I always say to my clients - your body is a work in progress...and you never know WHAT you're capable of until you try!!!
So as you can see - there is a fair bit of difference since I started...and I'm not for A SECOND going to be disappointed with my efforts!!
So far throughout this prep (which I'm having NO carbs at all except for a cup of beans taken after training 3 days a week), I've competed (and WON 1 st place Female Division) in Games Days, still currently competing in the CrossFit Games Open, completed the burpee mile, Triple Fran still can say that I'm loving every second of it.
I have thrown more challenges at myself these last 3 months than I have in the last 5 years, and I know that it is because of my CrossFit experience that I'm facing each one head on and loving every second of them.
That's why I'm using the CrossFit banner as my wallpaper on this blog - because those girls inspire me on a day to day basis to do more and be more than I ever thought possible, and i certainly intend on giving it a good crack!! :)
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