Feel the Fear...

Do it anyway - you never know what might happen!!

So my stage journey has come to an end...for now anyways!!

I had decided to to do another show in September, but there were a few hiccups along the way which just seemed to scream out at me that now was just not the right time. Holidays smack bang in the middle of my prep, and being told that I was on the verge of adrenal fatigue were among the reasons, so I've put the show on the back burner, for the time being.

So since my prep has kinda stalled, I've been focusing more on my CrossFit training and really honing in on my skills and getting better and stronger at my weaknesses.
And as always, constantly learning more about myself and the kind of athlete I am.
It's taken a LONG time to admit to or even refer to myself as an athlete - I never really felt like I was one, I didn't feel that I looked like one, and because I had such high expectations of what I wanted to be and how I trained, I didn't feel that my training was anywhere near at the same level as what I considered an athlete to be.

Over the last couple of months, my ego when it comes to training has taken a GIANT beating...I've stood by and watched as those who I coached on a daily basis were progressing and becoming incredible athletes - from being unable to do pullups even with a band, to suddenly smashing out 10 unassissted and unbroken!!
I've watched as the strength that I once felt that I had which was my main drawcard and attachment to BEING an athlete (the fact that i could lift heavier shit than other people) was suddenly paling in comparison to the numbers that the women in my gym were hitting on overhead lifts, olympic lifts and lower body strength.
What had happened to me??
I was fading, both physically and emotionally - my belief in myself had started to disappear - but why??
I had just come off stage, looking the best I had in all my life, having the most incredible time and finally reaching a goal that I set myself years ago - what could I POSSIBLY be ashamed of??
I suddenly realised, in a bit of an epiphany only a few days ago, that it was all the doubt and negative self talk that I often find myself replaying over in my head which had suddenly started to come true.
I suddenly felt weaker, lethargic, started to put some of the weight back on that I had lost, motivation dwindled, and my WODs were just becoming a joke. I felt like a fraud. Basically, the exact OPPOSITE of an athlete. And all that hard work that I had put it for the 3 months prior felt like it had all just suddenly disappeared.
I had self-talked myself into being scared all over again. To regressing right back to where I was 3 years ago. To flipping right back into the cycle of self pity and loathing and proving those little voices right, once again.

I was scared. Scared of succeeding, scared of failing, scared of not living up to my expectations, my boyfriend's expectations, my family's, my gym's, my coach's...EVERYONES!!

It was in fact after having a fairly heated argument with my boyfriend Kurt, that I came to that realisation - i hadn't gotten out of my comfort zone, or if I had, I had slipped right back into that cosy little position I was in before, and no body and nothing was going to get me out of there!!

You see, boys (men), like children, feel no fear. At least not the ones in my world. I'm certain thats why they're there - to teach me the lesson to get the hell out of my own way!
Boys will jump in the fire to see if its hot, they'll swing around on the pullup bars practicing their pullups until they get one. Same goes for muscle ups, ring dips etc - the list is endless.

This is especially the case for my man Kurt. He has no fear. He loves to push his body to its absolute limits, lie on the ground in a puddle of his own sweat, then get back up and with a big grin on his face look at me and say "that was awesome - what's next?". Now, I'm all for pushing myself to my limits - that's what CrossFit is all about. But I stop there - i don't keep going, one brutal punishing WOD is enough for me in a day, and I'm done. So when I say to him "yeah, i think that's enough" and the confused look across his face tells me that what I've just said doesn't compute - I realise I'm not in that same "fearless zone" as him.
To have him then ask me "what are you so scared of?" well, that was like a giant slap in the face with a wet fish.
Scared? I'm not scared!!
Bullshit. I'm terrified, and my head and the negative beliefs and self talk that i have been replaying over and over again for the majority of my life has kept me right there.

I suddenly had a flash back of everything I've been scared of - particularly in regards to CrossFit.
Pullups - a MASSIVE one for me...but what the hell is there to be scared of?? Falling off the bar? I have legs, which have feet attached to them - I will land. I'm too freaking heavy to get over the bar?? I can get stronger.
Ring dips - another MASSIVE one...but why?? Because of my weight - again!! Get stronger...
Running - never been good at it, too heavy, too slow, can't move my legs fast enough...get fitter

Rope climbs - HA!! Add that one to the list!!

And the funniest thing is - because of all this fear I NEVER PRACTICED THEM!! Never. Not once. I tried a couple of attempts, realised i couldn't do it, didn't want to make a fool of myself - so i didn't do it. And I stayed as far away from them as I could. And THEN used the fact that I couldn't do them as an excuse everytime I went to do a WOD as to why I was so slow and my times/strength/skills were all rubbish.
I stayed totally wrapped up in my comfort blanket, attached to my bullshit comfort excuses as to why I wasn't progressing and blamed everything else but myself and my fear of actually progressing and making my life better and shaping myself into the athlete i desperately wanted to be. And still do.

I even believed some crap about my having 'adrenal fatigue'. Hey, it fit kinda well - I was tired, wasn't progressing, and really this guys was telling me everything I wanted to hear. Sad, but true.

Since having this 'epiphany' about whatever the hell was going on with me, my self doubt, self-talk and belief in myself, my energy levels have gone through the roof. My diet is spot on, I feel awesome, I feel happy, and I'm ACTUALLY practicing all my skills. And guess what else - I did my first benchmark WOD with pullups (Jackie) totally rx'd yesterday...no band, no assistance. It was long, it was excruciating and it took every ounce of my being not to run over and get one of those giant bright rubber bands - but I F$%KING did it!!

I have come to the realisation that a weakness is just a strength not yet realised. I'm not quite throwing myself in the fire yet, but I'm getting alot more daring and finally just doing what needs to be done, to make myself the person I wanna be, and to create the ATHLETE i want to be. And it doesn't even feel like that much hard work either! :o)

So taht's it for now - but till i get abck on here again - always remember to FEEL THE FEAR AND DO IT ANYWAY!

Train hard, be the person that you want to be...

Gem xx